Finding my Spirit

Several months before my diagnosis, I bought a book called A New Earth by Elkhart Tolle. There was so much hype about this book, people claiming that it had changed their lives. Even Oprah had Ekhart on her show for several weeks examining this book. I had to read it!

I opened the pages and started to read the first chapter. When I was done with those few pages, I thought to myself, “What the heck did I just read?” I could not comprehend what this man was trying to teach me. I would read the words over and over again, but my brain was not absorbing any of the information on the pages.

After my diagnosis, I had some very trying days. I would get into a place in my head, so dark and so deep, I believed a quick death would be so much easier for everyone. I was stuck in utter despair, so desperate for the emotional suffering to end. I remember a time I heard an airplane flying outside and wished for it to crash into my house. My thoughts were driving me mad. I had a constant dark cloud over my head, a weight on my shoulders and my stomach was in a constant knot.

About a month after I was diagnosed with the tumour, I heard a nagging voice inside of me. It was saying, “Go meditate, go meditate, go meditate…..” I had never meditated before and had no idea how to do it but this voice inside of me was getting louder and louder, I could not ignore it any longer.

Feeling silly, I hesitantly told Marcus that I was going upstairs to meditate. I didn’t know what his reaction was going to be, but he said, “okay”, as if it was something that I did all the time, no questions asked.

I went up to our spare bedroom, shut the door and lit three small candles that nestled into a candle holder my sister bought for me. On it was inscribed, “Miracles happen to those who believe in them.” I shut the lights off and laid down in the dark room. I waited, and waited, not even knowing what I was waiting for. I did this every evening after dinner for a few weeks. Some nights I would fall asleep, being so tired from the chemo and the anti seizure medication. Often, I would lay down and cry. I’d cry my eyes out until I had no more tears to shed.

One special night in that room, when I didn’t fall asleep and I didn’t feel like crying, something magical happened. I felt a fluttering in the area of my solar plexus. It felt like a little fairy was doing pirouettes inside of me. It was a happy feeling, a feeling of joy. I realized I had discovered my spirit and she was so thrilled, she was dancing inside of my chest. I always believed we are made of body, mind and spirit but until that night, I didn’t know that I was missing the spirit part.

I felt pure joy and peace inside my heart at a time when everything around me was filled with fear and uncertainty. I had reached the point where I was so broken, a little bit of light had found it’s way in. “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness.” It was such an exhilarating experience, I was so eager for the following evening to get in touch with my little spirit again. The more I meditated on my dancing spirit, the bigger it grew. It grew to the point where some days it expanded beyond my physical body.

This means man needs to be price tadalafil tablets sexually stimulated for the medicine to have effect in your blood stream. So, it can be said that the practitioner, acts as a flawless natural Aphrodisiac. canadian pharmacies tadalafil They are on line levitra try content now for all time fascinating, as each of the capsule weighs 500 mg. Any sexual dysfunction can be corrected within a very short time. cialis online shop
I remember wanting to scream from the top of a mountain, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?” Then I realized that’s what, Ekhart Tolle, The Dali Lama, Deepak Chopra and so many more spiritual leaders are trying to teach us. I found something inside of me I didn’t even know was missing.   Prior to finding my spirit, having someone explain this to me would have been like trying to describe to someone who can’t see, what a beautiful sunset looks like, or to someone who can’t hear, what the buzzing of a bumble bee’s tiny wings sound like as they fly from flower to flower. I knew I tapped into something very special and would need it to get me through the tough times that still lurked ahead.

I decided to give A New Earth one last try. I picked up the book and devoured it within a few days. I understood it to the core of my being. I realized I couldn’t comprehend it before because I was trying to understand it with my brain. It was only after I found my spirit that I could absorb everything he was saying. It was like trying to read it in a different language before I became aware of mySelf. My spirit understood this language perfectly.

This is when everything changed for me. The book tought me how to let go of worry. “Whatever you fight, you strengthen and whatever you resist, persists.”  I was resisting my diagnosis before I read the book. I didn’t want the tumour in my head. I was angry, frustrated and scared. I so desperately wanted it out and for things to go back to the way they used to be, but that was impossible. I was in a constant fight mode, which is not a healthy way to live.

My other option was to accept the reality of what was. Life got so much better and easier when I chose acceptance over resistance. I stopped fighting but that does not mean that I gave up! Far from it. As Ekhart Tolle says, “Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life.” I chose to yield and become open to life.

The most important lesson I got from the pages of this wonderful book was how to live in the present moment. I let go of the scary things that I had experienced in the not so distant past. I stopped imagining things that may or may not happen in the future. This was my new life situation, I had no choice about it. However, the choice was mine in how I would deal with it.  Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

I’m not saying that life was a breeze after becoming “enlightened “. I still had very trying days. Living with cancer is like a roller coaster ride, some high days and some low. I tried to put on a happy face for my family even on my low days. I wanted to spare them any extra worry or pain they were carrying for me. My sister Tania had a knack for knowing when I was feeling sad or when I was trying to hide something that was worrying me.  She would always remind me that a burden shared is a burden divided, and she was right. I always felt better after telling her whatever it was that was upsetting me. By sharing my burden with her, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Several years ago my family bought me a gold band with the inscription, “This, too, shall pass”. The quote is based on an ancient Sufi story about an unhappy King. It points to the fact, when recognized, impermanence leads to non attachment. Nonresistance, nonjudgment, and non attachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living. In simpler terms, when things are hard, don’t worry too much because it will pass. When things are great, enjoy those moments to the fullest because they will pass too. I have tried to remember and live by this quote everyday for the past eight years. Give it a try. 🙂