Loving Yourself

In this day and age, we are so caught up with loving big houses, fast cars, designer clothes and great hair and makeup. We try so hard to make everything look perfect on the outside but, when we’ve achieved these materialistic goals, does that make us love ourselves?

Having been diagnosed with a brain tumour, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. When the news spread that I had brain cancer, I was surrounded with so much love and support. My mom cooked for us everyday, my dad was our delivery man and once a week, my sister in law Gaby made dinner to give my mom a break. My sisters were always there for me for whatever I needed, whether it be groceries, babysitting or laundry. They all worked together like a well oiled machine. I am also blessed to have such wonderful in laws that would do anything for us at the drop of a hat. The list goes on from extended family, friends and their families, my family’s friends and even complete strangers.

I received so many gifts. Flowers, cards, pendants and rosaries from all over the world, and a never ending stream of prayers. I was overwhelmed by the love and kindness directed towards me . It got to a point where I felt undeserving and uncomfortable with receiving such an abundance of love from everyone. I was baffled and thought to myself, “What have I done to deserve so much?” I felt a sense of guilt and that made me take a closer look at myself.

It was then that I realized I didn’t love myself, therefore I found it difficult to accept  love from others. When I figured that out, I knew I had some work to do.

I meditated on being gentle, kind and compassionate with myself. I forgave myself and others for things that were troubling me from the past. I cared for myself through healthy choices that reflect my self-worth. I trusted and listened  to my inner voice. Most importantly, I would tell myself, mentally or verbally, “I love you!”

I have learned it is not arrogant, conceited or selfish to love yourself. It does not mean you think you are better than others. To me, self love is accepting yourself fully, mind, body and soul. It’s about feeling worthy. “Your worth is in your true nature, a core of love and inner goodness. You are a beautiful light. You are love. We can bury our magnificence, but it’s impossible to destroy.” -Tess Marshall

When you love yourself first and foremost, you are able to fully accept love from others, and love others unconditionally. It’s okay to say “I love me!” It felt really weird and uncomfortable when I first began saying it, but over time, it became natural, and now, I am love. This didn’t happen overnight for me, we are all works in progress and always will be. We are all perfectly imperfect.

I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. He is kind, compassionate, loving, and hard working. Not to mention he is unbelievably handsome, yet so modest. I’ve been told time and again how “lucky” I am to have such an amazing husband. Don’t get me wrong, I am very lucky and I appreciate him every moment of everyday but, I got to a point after my diagnosis where I started asking myself, “Why am I so lucky? What does he see in me? Am I deserving of such a good partner?” I began doubting myself and feeling unworthy. It wasn’t until after I worked on myself and learned to love myself that I could say, “We are both lucky to have each other.”

After this realization, I accepted gifts and prayers with great gratitude. I let go of the resistance I used to feel when someone would say something kind to me. I am open to receive love, and just as important, to give love unconditionally.

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In March of  2011, I was looking to broaden my meditation practice. I found a retreat in California called “Journey into Healing” at the Chopra Centre in Carlsbad. I told Marcus about it and without hesitating, he said, “You should go.”

Other than the grocery store, I had never been anywhere by myself. This was a huge leap for me and I would never have been able to do it if I didn’t love and believe in myself. Even though I didn’t like the idea of being away from Tristan and Marcus for one week, I booked it. I needed to do this by myself, for myself.

When I got there, I was surrounded by a group of like minded individuals from all over the world. We meditated and did yoga twice daily.  We were taught about Ayurveda and how to keep our bodies and minds healthy and balanced. We even had two question and answer seminars with Deepak Chopra.

Throughout the week, the Pacific Ocean was calling me. I had such a strong urge to go. The day before I left for home, I got in a cab and told the driver to take me to the beach. I had no idea where I was going but the cab driver was such a kind man, I felt like he was watching over me.

When I got to the beach, I took off my shoes and stepped into the cold pacific water. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky. There was a cool breeze but my body was warmed by the heat from the sun.

It was a quiet beach, not many people at all. I walked over and sat down on a big rock, facing the ocean. I sat in silence, taking in the beauty that was before me when an older gentleman came jogging along the shore. We smiled at each other and he gave me a thumbs up. I reciprocated the gesture. He then shook his head, “no, no, no”, pointed at me and again, gave me a thumbs up. He passed me and continued on his jog. An earth angel perhaps? I felt like this was the universes way of telling me that everything was okay. I’m okay.

As I continued to sit, I became mesmerized by the sound of the waves lapping against the shore. It was then that I realized I was the farthest away I’ve ever been from my family. Everyone I knew and loved was on the other end of the continent. I was all alone, but not lonely. I felt like I had my own space in this overpopulated world. It felt very freeing and expansive to know I did this by myself. At that moment, looking at the never ending water, I realized that we are on this planet, living our own journey, finding our own unique path and purpose. Our lives intertwine with others, but ultimately we arrive on this planet alone and we depart on our own, so it’s in our best interest to love ourselves while we are here.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but the sun that was high above my head when I arrived was now in front of me, closer to the horizon. I wasn’t ready to leave but I knew it was time. I had learned more in that time sitting by the Pacific Ocean than my entire week at the Chopra Centre. It was one of the most perfect times I had ever experienced, a memory I will hold close to my heart forever.

I believe we all want to live in a world filled with more love and compassion. Change starts from within so, I challenge everyone that reads this to take a moment everyday to look in the mirror and say, “I love you and accept you, just as you are!”