Suppressed Feelings

It has been a while since my last blog, not only because of the holidays, but also because of my indecisiveness of the topic. I lost sleep while trying to decide if I should or shouldn’t write this blog. A huge part of me wanted to skip right over it and talk about something else, but then I remembered the reason why I began writing these blogs. My intention always has been, and always will be to help others going through similar situations. I KNOW I am not alone in what I am about to share, but so many of us don’t talk about it. So, in the interest of opening a door to help others, here we go…….

 

I was seeing a naturalpathic doctor for some time before I was diagnosed, mainly for my son. When I first met Dr. Amanda Ferris, I felt an instant connection with her. She was my age, had a son the same age as Tristan and I looked forward to every appointment we had with her. I loved to pick her brain regarding vaccines, vitamins and remedies. I felt if we had met under different circumstances, we would have been good friends. I strongly feel Amanda was meant to be my doctor and she would lead me to bigger things.

When I was newly diagnosed and in the hospital awaiting my biopsy, Amanda drove over an hour to see me. It was above and beyond her call of duty. Seeing her made me feel as though everything would be okay. From my hospital bed, I remember asking her if she would help me. She tenderly replied, “I’ll try”. This led me to the next important person on my healing journey.

Dr. Amanda picked up the phone in my hospital room and called her former teacher and mentor, Dr. Christopher Sowton (more to come on Chris in future blogs). I later learned that Chris is a homeopath, registered psychotherapist and dream worker. I listened as Amanda spoke to Chris. She answered some questions about me, my hair colour, height, weight and other random things. I wondered what any of this had to do with a brain tumour. When they finished their odd conversation, Amanda told me Chris was going to help her with my case since he had more experience. I thought, great!! The more people helping me, the better.

About a month later, I had a phone consultation with Amanda to talk about how I was feeling. At one point in our conversation she asked me if I had any unusual dreams lately. I had in fact had a dream that stuck with me, I couldn’t shake it off. I can’t exactly remember the dream, but the idea of it was, I was struggling against something or someone and when I couldn’t make it stop, I gave up the struggle. I shared this dream with Amanda. She then asked me if I could relate this dream in my real life. I knew instantly what the dream was referring to.

I hesitated for several seconds, took a few deep breaths and told her I was molested in my adolescent years. As a child, I tried hard to push his hands off of me but he was too strong. I gave up struggling against him.  Amanda was quiet for some time, I could hear her breathing. She finally broke the silence when she said, “I’m sorry.”

I suppressed the feelings I had about this situation for years. He continued to be in our lives celebrating birthdays and Christmas together with my family. It came to a head when I had my son. Whenever he was around I was in a constant fight or flight mode. I never took my eyes off of him when kids were around, but the entire time I put on a smile and pretended everything was great.

The memories came back, mostly at night when I went to bed. My thoughts were driving me crazy, I felt such anger and frustration. My stomach coiled and churned as if there were snakes writhing within me. I wanted to rip the part of my brain out that kept replaying these images, but I couldn’t.

I shared what happened and my feelings with Marcus because it was getting worse and worse. He could see the turmoil I was feeling and told me I had to find a way to let it go. His words were, “You’re going to make yourself sick.” I told him I knew that and was hoping I would be able to let it go by sharing it with him, but I couldn’t, the torment continued.

After my diagnosis, with Amanda and Chris’s encouragement and Marcus’s unwaivering support, I decided I would confront the man who molested me. How could I continue to see him and pretend nothing had ever happened while inside I was so stressed and not living my truth? Marcus drove me to his home and never left my side, he was my safety net.

Marcus and I went inside. I sat on the couch across from the man and with a shaky voice, I spoke. I reminded him about everything he had done to me and the things I saw him do to other children. Not once did he look me in the eyes during this difficult conversation. I told him I had come to say goodbye, a kind way of telling him he made me sick and I never wanted to see his face again. His response was, “I don’t touch kids anymore, kids are too smart now” and he left the room.

We left and as soon as the elevator doors closed, I broke down into tears. I released all the stress I had been carrying for over two decades. It was the right thing to do, one of the most difficult things I ever did, and it was just the beginning of my emotional healing process.

The following are bits of information taken from enlightenedfeelings.com……

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According to author Louis Hay and scientist Bruce Lipton, physical symptoms are merely tangible evidence of what is going on in your unconscious mind and how you are really feeling deep inside. If feelings are ignored, your subconscious mind must find another way to get its message across and help you see that your deeper needs are being ignored.

Psychoneuroimmunology is the study of how emotions impact your immune system, health and well being. Every thought and feeling create your state of health and overall well being. This new awareness has resulted in a new field of medicine called ‘energy-psychology’.

The following are a few examples of what they have found out….

-Resentment and bitterness are like acid. They cause inflammation and pain. Stubborn, inflexible resentment goes to the knees, shoulders, and joints – the parts of your body that are designed to be open and flexible.

-Cancer is a deep secret, hatred, guilt or grief eating away at you.

-Breast and uterine cancer reveals a lack of nurturing or self-nurturing in your life, or an inability to nurture others.

 

There are many different circumstances that can cause someone to get stuck in hate and anger. We believe suppressing these feelings is easier than dealing with them head on. Physical abuse, psychological abuse, toxic relationships, the loss of a loved one or living in a constant state of stress are some other examples of what might cause people to push down these difficult emotions and continue on with life as though everything is great….on the surface. I’m here to tell you that you are not stuck and ignoring these painful emotions can make you physically sick.

Healing didn’t happen overnight for me. It was a very long and difficult process before I felt the burden lift from my shoulders. I never saw him again, but eventually I was able to forgive, for the most part. Not for his sake, but for my own. To this day, every once in a while he will pop up in a dream or sneak up in a thought.  I acknowledge the thought and release it without the horrible feelings I used to have.

It’s natural to hate and feel angry, and more difficult to forgive but, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Buddha

Happy New Year and cheers to letting the cat out of the bag.