Radiation

 

 

Shortly after my craniotomy, the doctor gave me two options. Number one was to watch and wait, if the tumour started to grow we would radiate then. Option two was to radiate now, a couple months after the surgery because that was the smallest the tumour would ever be (in his opinion) and therefore would require the least amount of radiation.

I considered my options and in the end chose to go ahead with the radiation. Studies have shown that radiation on the brain can decrease the incidence of seizures in some patients. That was a big one for me. It also kills cancer cells which could not be surgically removed. The last reason was that I was tired. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I didn’t want to sit around and wait on pins and needles every time I had an MRI to find out if the tumour had grown. Waiting for the tumour to make the first move would be much more difficult for me, even though my skull was still tender from the surgery. I believe I made the right decision for myself.

My first appointment was speaking with a radiation technician. We sat down and he explained to me what was going to happen. I was told I would have the radiation everyday, Monday to Friday for five and a half weeks. The sessions would be approximately twelve to fifteen minutes long. I would have a mask on my face which would be bolted to a table to prevent any movement. He also told me I would probably lose my hair where the radiation beams hit my skull. I wasn’t too worried about my hair. I had strong, thick “Euro hair” as my friend Mayra calls it. I didn’t lose it during chemotherapy and believed I wouldn’t lose it from radiation.

My next appointment was getting my mask made. I layed on a table where a big, burly man held a sheet of plastic with small holes in it to a heater. When he decided the plastic sheet was warm enough to be playable, he put it against my chin and stretched it up against my face until it reached the top of my head. He pressed on it in order to perfectly mould it to my face. The mask was so tight, it pushed my nose up and pressed my eyes shut to the point where I couldn’t open them.  My lips felt as though someone was holding a hand over my mouth.  I could not speak. Being claustrophobic, I wanted to jump off the table and run out the door but I stayed put.  I was telling myself, “Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place…..” My heart was racing, and when he was finally satisfied with his work, he removed it. When I left the room, I brought with me a waffle imprint on my face.

The next morning I began the radiation. I met with the six technicians that would take care of me for the duration of my treatment. They were so kind and patient. Before I began, they allowed Marcus to come in the bright, spacious room with me. They showed us the machine and explained how it worked. When Marcus left, two of the techs stayed with me. It was their job to lay me on the table, put the mask on my face and bolt it down.

I layed down and as soon as I saw the mask coming towards my face my anxiety and stress were through the roof, so much so that I began to have a seizure. Jasmina, one of the techs, stayed and held my hand while the other tech immediately went to the waiting room and brought Marcus back in. His presence calmed me down and fortunately, it was a mild seizure and passed quickly.

We gave it another try. With my heart pounding in my chest, I closed my eyes and layed as still as possible. They tucked my hair under my head and began to put the mask on. They explained everything they were doing step by step but I was just doing my best to keep calm and try to get in a meditative state. As they snapped the mask onto the table, I was once again in the position where I couldn’t move my lips or jaw to speak. When the technicians asked me if I was okay, the only thing I could do was grunt.

They left the room but always watched me through a tv monitor to assure my safety and well being. A big mechanical arm moved around me, positioning itself for the first beam to penetrate my head. When it stopped moving I heard a buzzing, the radiation had begun. As I layed there, I tried to imagine the cancer cells being fried in my brain.  I was doing my best to help the radiation from within me, double whammy. When the buzzing stopped, the arm changed positions and the laser began again, this time from a different angle. Before I was done, the arm had moved to five different locations, some radiating longer than others.

As soon as the last beam ended, a technician ran in and released the mask. Ahhhh……I could breath. They helped me sit up on the table and as soon as I felt stable, I thanked everyone and left the room, taking my waffle imprinted face with me, only to do the same thing again every day for the next five and a half weeks.

On the twelfth day, I decided to cut my long hair to just below my shoulders. My sister in law Gaby is my hairdresser and it’s always a pleasure to visit with her and catch up while she cuts my hair. We chatted away as she brushed my wet hair. My head was bent down. Marcus was standing beside me as she brushed, and brushed and brushed. Things got oddly quiet as I sensed Marcus and Gaby glancing at each other. Marcus bent down and gently told me I lost some hair. I quickly raised my head to look in the mirror and was horrified by what I saw, a big bald spot on the top of my head. My jaw dropped and I began to cry. They told me I might lose my hair but I didn’t believe it, and I surely didn’t expect it to happen in a matter of seconds. One moment I had a full head of hair and the next, thick chunks were covering the floor. It was one of the more difficult moments since my diagnosis. Unfortunately, my son was with us. I don’t like him seeing me cry but it wasn’t the first time. Gaby gave me a hug, we finished up and went home.

The next morning I went for my radiation treatment and got the best advice from a technician named Solomon. Solomon was always groomed impeccably with a crisp shirt and matching tie. He walked me into the room and with tears in my eyes I took off my hat to show him my head. He wasn’t surprised, he’s seen it so many times before, but what he told me that morning changed everything. He said, “Linda, cut your hair short. Don’t let the cancer slowly take away your hair. You be in charge! You decide to cut your hair. You make the decision and keep your power, don’t give it to the cancer!”

That evening, I brought Marcus and Tristan with me to our bathroom. I grabbed a pair of scissors and told Tristan to start cutting my hair. He hesitated as I held on to a thin ponytail and I told him it’s okay, just don’t cut my ear. He was standing behind me and began to cut, he stopped for a moment to take a peak at my face and continued. Instead of seeing tears, he saw a big, excited smile. After we were done with the scissors, I pulled out the clippers and we shaved my head. I felt so empowered, so free. Instead of feeling like a cancer victim, I felt like G.I. Jane! I loved my shaved head. It was so easy and comfortable and I didn’t have to deal with long strands of hair slowly falling out in the shower, getting tangled in my fingers along with my sadness. That was a thing of the past and I had a whole new attitude. “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -Socrates.

The blood flows towards the penis, where buy viagra from india it is cheaper. you can check here online viagra australia Asian ginseng and ginkgo biloba are Asian herbs believed to improve erectile function in men. It can stabilize your blood sugar levels and prevent frequent mood swings at the same time Clean water- with digestive buy viagra india and hydration function, meanwhile preventing mood swings along with fatigue. The impotent males may thus become depressed, anxious or irritable due to the thought pharmacy viagra of a failed and unsatisfactory sexual intercourse.
How many of us women have struggled with long hair, tangles and bad hair days? I know in the past I’ve said in frustration, “I just want to shave it off!” Well, I did it and when I was done I wondered why I never did it earlier. I enjoyed the different stages of length as it grew. I look at pictures and really like some of the shorter styles. My hair is once again past my shoulders and writing this blog is making me wonder, why?

I was told about scarves and wigs but that wasn’t me. I was more of a knitted or baseball hat kind of gal. At home, Marcus and Tristan got accustomed to my new look, I never felt the need to hide my head. To me, it was a symbol of strength and courage.

If you or someone you know is in a similar situation, I would offer the same advice that Solomon gave to me. Hold on to your power. When you have cancer there are some things you have no control over but for the situations that you do, take it and make it! For me it was the difference between feeling sorry for myself or feeling in charge of my life.

Our hair, our physical bodies are not who we are. That is just our shell. Our thoughts are not even who we are. We are so much more, something so much deeper than that. Within us is our spirit, our souls. This has eluded many of us for our entire lives. Some find it through suffering and others by sitting quietly. Some were born knowing it all along. Once you find this inner spaciousness, you will understand that nothing in the physical realm can change who you are. Your non physical self is eternal and doesn’t change. Deep inside, you will find that you are, always have been and always will be pure love and joy, with or without hair, tall or short, black or white. It doesn’t matter, you just have to go deep and want to find it. That is who we all are, where we are all the same, whether you are aware of it or not.

It was winter by the time my treatment was done. I was grateful for so many things. I was grateful for the advanced technology and that it continues to get better. I was grateful it was over, I wouldn’t have to drive almost an hour there and an hour back everyday. I was grateful I would never have to wear that mask again, although they did ask me if I wanted to keep it, I declined. I was grateful for the wonderful technicians that were so good to me and was a little sad to say goodbye to them. In the toughest places, there is always something to be grateful for. You just have to look and you will find it, both within yourself and all around you.

Several months later, I went back to the radiation department to visit my old friends. Jasmina saw me and greeted me with a big, warm hug. I don’t think they see many of their patients after treating them. She told me Solomon was not there at the moment, so we said goodbye. On my way out, I saw Solomon as I passed a little photocopy room. I stepped in and said hello with a big smile on my face. He looked at me and said, “Hi” with a look on his face that said, “Do I know you?” My hair had grown back a little bit and I wasn’t wearing the anxious look on my face that they were accustomed to. I told him I was Linda. His eyes popped wide open as he said, “Linda! Oh my God! I didn’t recognize you!” We shook hands and I thanked him for his life altering hair advice. I’ve gone back a couple times since that day but I haven’t seen my earth angels again.