Reflections and Intentions

 

 

You are what your deep, driving desire is.

As your desire is, so is your will.

As your will is, so is your deed.

As your deed is, so is your destiny

-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

 

 

 

 

Summer is coming to an end. The trees are beginning to change colour, evenings are cooler and days are getting shorter. It’s a perfect time to reflect on the past few months and set intentions for the new season approaching.

I started my summer off with an MRI. I’ve been getting MRI’s every six months since my surgery. The results were good….stable, no change. After speaking with my oncologist, we’ve come to the decision that I will get a scan once a year from now on. Great news for me because I’m not a big fan of getting MRI ‘s due to being claustrophobic.

My seizures have drastically reduced (knock on wood) which is amazing for me. With this improvement, I have found much needed courage to go out and do simple things on my own.  I’m not allowed to drive until I have been seizure free for a year but I hope and feel that is soon approaching.

Ballet has always been on my bucket list. I have a bucket list, not because I think I’m dying, I know I am dying, we are all dying. With every passing moment, and every breath we take, we are all that much closer to leaving our physical bodies. I don’t say this to scare or depress anyone, on the contrary. I say it to encourage everyone to do whatever it is that fills your heart with excitement and enthusiasm.

I’ve been known to be a procrastinator. The type of person to say, “I’ll do it later, I’ll do it when this or that happens.” I have learned this moment is the only time that exists. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Don’t wait to do what you love, be brave and dive in to whatever you’ve been wanting and waiting to do. Allow your desire to become your destiny.

In 2014, about a year after my surgery and radiation, I went back to ballet. I had weakness on the left side of my body, especially my ankle, and was having seizures regularly. I remember how nervous I was that first day. I stood closest to the door in case I had a seizure and needed a quick exit. The class began and my anxiety kicked in. I felt my left foot begin to seize so I walked out. Thankfully, I didn’t have a seizure but I was upset and had a decision to make. In front of me was the door back to the class, to my right was the waiting room where Marcus sat, waiting to drive me home when the class was over. I stood there and considered my options. I knew if I decided to leave, I would break down as soon as I saw Marcus and never go back. My other option was to go back into the studio and try again. I took a deep breath, swallowed down the lump in my throat and walked back in. I finished that class and was glad I didn’t leave.
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I continued ballet lessons for three months and then quit. I had my excuses, “I’m too tired, I’m too weak, I’m afraid of having a seizure, I can’t keep up…” I now realize that my biggest hurdle was not physical at all. I was crippled mentally and emotionally by my fear of not being good enough and standing out. I liked to play small and stand in the back corner where nobody would see me. It wasn’t fun anymore, I felt like I was a failure. I didn’t get the same joyful feeling I used to get before the seizures returned.

I now know that failure does not exist if you try. My only failure was quitting. I compared myself to the other students and to the way I used to dance. It upset me that I fell so far behind. When I gave up on dancing, I gave into fear. “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”-Paola Coelho

Fast forward three years to the beginning of this past summer. I joined the studio again but this time with a whole new attitude. I now believe it’s all about progress, not perfection. I go because it’s good for me, body and soul. I go and I do my best. I don’t compare myself to anyone else. It’s obvious that I have a deficiency but that’s part of who I am. I can’t hide it so there’s no point in playing small anymore. Cheryl Strayed says, “Be about ten times more magnanimous than you believe yourself capable of being. Your life will be a hundred times better for it.”

With every passing class I feel myself getting a little bit stronger. With dedication and hard work I hope to be dancing on my toes one day. I know it’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. As is my will, so is my deed.

I also went back to physiotherapy a few months ago. I have been blessed to have been paired up with Karen, the best neuro physiotherapist available. She has daughters in dance so she understands what I need to work on to get better and stronger for ballet specifically. I have a strong aversion to exercising, so she tailors my physio to what she knows I will do. I understand now that I have to work hard if I want to see improvements, nobody else can do it for me. Karen knows if I have not been doing my exercises so she gives me a much needed kick in the pants on my way out the door. I feel very enthusiastic every time I leave an appointment with her.

Reflecting on the past, I made another realization. Being diagnosed at the age of thirty two, I used to believe I lost that decade of my life. My thirties were filled with worries, treatments, seizures, appointments and so much more regarding cancer. I now know that I learned more about myself in those years than I did in my whole life. My diagnosis opened up a door that would have stayed closed otherwise. I learned how deeply you can love and be loved. I found out how much courage a person is capable of, not just myself, but every fighter, survivor and cancer thriver. I tapped into my spirit and found compassion, empathy and forgiveness. It was a pretty crappy way to find it, but if not for the diagnosis, I would have never become the person I am today.

Whenever my sister Tania heard someone say, “My cancer was a blessing”, she thought to herself, what the f#@k are they talking about? I think she has a better understanding of what that means now.

As far as intention, intention is what creates our reality. I believe if you carefully choose your intentions and nourish them with love, hope and most importantly, faith, they will blossom. My intention is to continue on the path of wellness. This means physical, emotional and spiritual. I will continue with ballet, take daily walks, meditate and continue to live in a state of gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for.

I don’t know what the future holds but I trust that the universe is working out the details for my higher good, whatever that may be. As a wise person once said, “Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re gonna get.”(read in your best Alabama accent).

Love and gratitude,

Linda ❤